You Are Flawed. And So Are Your Heroes.

February 1st, 2017 / No Comments »

 

superheroes 534104 960 720 300x225 You Are Flawed. And So Are Your Heroes.

(Reposted from Steve at Nerdfitness.com)

My friend Mike was orphaned before he really got to know his parents.

Fortunately, he was was adopted and raised by a loving family. They didn’t have much, but they did whatever they could to provide for him. Despite growing up with these amazing people, Mike always felt like he didn’t belong.

He did what he could to hide his real feelings: that he’d never belong, that he’d always BE on the outside looking in, that nobody really appreciated him.

You see, the real version of Mike, the part he locked away inside, would terrify others. So he kept it bottled up and put on this act that everything is cool when inside he was deeply conflicted. I was fortunate enough to get to spend quality time with Mike, get to know him for who he really was, and I learned to accept all parts of him.

My other friend Jimmy is also an orphan surprisingly, though his path has been drastically different from Mike’s.

You see, Jimmy was born rich. Like, Scrooge McDuck rich. He WAS old enough to remember his parent’s accidental deaths, and it crushed him.  Although all of Jimmy’s needs were taken care of (thank you, life insurance policy), this environment and upbringing created some challenges.

I’ve known Jimmy for years, and it’s been tough to watch him work through layer up on layer of destructive, obsessive, rageaholic behavior.

Like many of us, Jimmy’s been searching for meaning his entire life – everything else has been handed to him, and it’s left him unfulfilled. Who could blame him? So he needs more, thinking this will fill the hole in his heart, at all times.

Despite all the money, and toys, and attractive women, and success, there’s one thing he’ll never have:

Enough.

He is hurting internally, and yet he feels like he can’t share this with anybody. After all, nobody wants to hear about the problems a very wealthy, good looking person has, right? “Those problems aren’t real! Try not being able to put food on the table for your family!”

I’ve known both Mike and Jimmy since I was a little kid, and have grown up with them.

Two orphans with tragic lives, two very different upbringings, and real internal pain and shame that they feel they can’t share with anybody.

These tales might sound vaguely familiar to you.

You see, Mike’s real name is Clark. Clark Kent. Better known as Superman.

And Jimmy? That’s Bruce Wayne. Better known as Batman.

Superheroes are flawed. That’s what makes them interesting.

We all have superheroes that we love and relate closely to.

Have you noticed something about the best characters? The ones that are written so convincingly that we can’t help to become deeply invested in them as people?

They have critical flaws and tons of baggage that often sabotage their own efforts. Although they are superhuman, they are – with the exception of Superman – human.

And that’s what makes them interesting.

Every superhero that’s worth a damn has a strong character flaw or weakness. Superman’s weakness is kryptonite, sure. But really it’s that he will always feel like an outsider and feels an overwhelming obsession to save people who don’t appreciate or understand him. Batman’s weakness is the fact that he’ll never be good enough, never sacrifice enough, and never save enough people. Enough is never enough.

Let’s go across the aisle to Marvel, and we’ll find similarly flawed characters in Wolverine, Nightcrawler, and Tony Stark’s Iron Man. These guys’ flaws are very plain to see, and it’s what makes us love them. Hell, even squeaky clean Captain America only really became interesting when he was rewritten with some edge and… gasp… flaws!

How about female heroes like Black Widow? Natasha Romanoff was raised and trained as a freaking assassin and will spend the rest of her existence trying to right the wrongs of her past.

We love these flawed superheroes, because it makes them relatable, vulnerable, and REAL. It gives them an identity; as readers of comics or viewers of a movie, we get to look inside these people and know that they feel real pain too, and we see parts of ourselves in them.

We accept two things:

  • These superheroes are fictional characters.
  • There are parts of them I can relate to and learn from.

We accept these characters for who they are, and know that their flaws don’t define them but in fact, have shaped them into who they are.

Why, then, don’t we do this with our real-life heroes and ourselves?
Read more.


Making Connections Through Sharing Simple Joys

November 21st, 2016 / No Comments »

pool 929104 960 720 300x200 Making Connections Through Sharing Simple Joys
If you believe the story my Mom tells, I could swim before I could walk.  Evidently I was in baby swim lessons by the time I was something like 3 months old.  Then I grew up near the water much of my life.  So it surprised everyone, even me, when I moved to Colorado a million years ago for grad school and then never moved back home.  Out here in the high desert, I have to be a bit planned about getting near water…hiking to a lake, or walking near a creek, hitting up the outdoor pools in the summer and the hot springs the rest of the year.  Part of the joy for me of getting near water isn’t just the swimming part.  It is also watching other people love the wonder of the water.

It seems like a pool can especially bring out the best in people.  Maybe it’s because so many different people all come together in the same space.  Maybe it’s because the pools we go to are extra awesome, like the spring fed place we go to in the summer, or the hot springs I just visited this week.

One day this summer I was having fun people watching at my favorite outdoor pool.  I like being surprised by people.  It’s fun to see the nondescript guy you wouldn’t have thought twice about doing magnificent moves off the diving board.  Or the grandmother who looked all class as she walked down the same board and then pulled off a totally unexpected flip.  All the differences you could see in front of you…age, race, fitness, level of interest in tattoos, the goggle wearers and the non-goggle wearers, and the overall glorious lack of hostile judgement.  Everyone just got to be themselves, with each other.  There was this gentle, shared joy at being outside in a cool pool on a hot day.

It wasn’t perfect, of course.  For example, my daughter could tell me which kids were mean, but instead of railing against them, she just moved to the other side of the pool.  I wonder if we could offer this gift to ourselves and each other more often: sharing simple joys and making easy connections, even with folks who aren’t just like us, being outside and moving our bodies.  What might it be like if we stopped being so angry at people who are different from us, and instead gave them a smile and participated in friendly banter, like you do at the local pool with the person sitting next to you.  If you share a chair on the pool deck, or offer a kind word in the locker room, maybe help a kiddo find their lost diving toy, why can’t we do more of this sort of easy going interaction with each other on the street or at the coffee shop?  At school when we’re picking up our kids?  Here’s a really good one:  when we’re driving, even in traffic.  Imagine how you get along at a place like the pool, and bring it into the rest of your life.  Really, it’s less of a threat than you might imagine.

 


Stay Right When You’re Wronged

October 18th, 2016 / No Comments »

stay right 300x199 Stay Right When You’re Wronged

(Reposted from Rick Hanson, PhD. on August 14, 2016)
What happens after you’re mistreated?

The Practice:
Stay right when you’re wronged.
Why?

It’s easy to treat people well when they treat you well. The real test is when they treat you badly.

Think of times you’ve been truly wronged, in small ways or big ones. Maybe someone stole something , turned others against you, broke an agreement, cheated on you, or spoke unfairly or abusively.

When things like these happen, I feel mad, hurt, startled, wounded, sad. Naturally it arises to want to strike back and punish, get others to agree with me, and make a case against the other person in my own mind.

These feelings and impulses are normal. But what happens if you get caught up in reactions and go overboard? (Which is different from keeping your cool, seeing the big picture, and acting wisely – which we’ll explore below.) There’s usually a release and satisfaction, and thinking you’re justified. It feels good.

For a little while.

But bad things usually follow. The other person overreacts, too, in a vicious cycle. Other people – relatives, friends, co-workers – get involved and muddy the water. You don’t look very good when you act out of upset, and others remember. It gets harder to work through the situation in a reasonable way. After the dust settles, you feel bad inside.

As the Buddha said long ago, “Getting angry with another person is like throwing hot coals with bare hands: both people get burned.” You can see much the same thing internationally. Gandhi put it so well: “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.”

Sure, you need to clarify your position, stand up for yourself, set boundaries, speak truth to power. The art – and I’m still working on it, myself! – is to do these things without the fiery excesses that have bad consequences for you, others, and our fragile planet.

How?

Start by getting centered, which often takes just a dozen seconds or so:

  • Pause – You rarely get in trouble for what you don’t say or do. Give yourself the gift of time, even just a few seconds.
  • Have compassion for yourself – This a moment of feeling “ouch, that hurts, I wish this hadn’t happened.” A neurologically savvy trick for activating self-compassion is to first recall the feeling of being with someone who cares about you.
  • Get on your own side – This means being for yourself, not against others. It can help to remember a time when you felt strong, like doing something that was physically challenging, or sticking up for someone you loved.
  • Make a plan – Start figuring out what you’re going to do, or at least where you’ll start.

And now that you’re on firmer ground, here are some practical suggestions; use the ones you like:

  • Clarify the facts – What actually happened?
  • Rate the bad event accurately – On a 0 – 10 awfulness scale (a dirty look is a 1 and nuclear war is a 10), how bad was it, really? If the event is a 3 on the awfulness scale, why have emotional reactions that are a 5 (or 9!) on the 0 – 10 upset scale?
  • See the big picture – Recognize the OK aspects of the situation mixed up with the bad ones. Put the situation in the larger context of unrelated good things happening for you, and your lifetime altogether. See the biggest picture of all: how your experiences are continually changing and it’s not worth getting all caught up in them.
  • Reflect about the other person – Consider the “10,000 causes” upstream that led him or her to do whatever happened. Be careful about assuming it was intentional; much of the time you’re just a bit player in other people’s drama. Try to have compassion for them, which will make you feel better. If applicable, take responsibility for your own part in the matter (but don’t blame yourself unfairly). You can have compassion and forgiveness for others while still considering their actions to be morally wrong.
  • Do what you can, concretely – As possible, protect yourself from people who wrong you; shrink the relationship to the size that is safe. Get support; it’s important for others to “bear witness” when you’ve been mistreated. Build up your resources. Get good advice – from a friend, therapist, lawyer, or even the police. As appropriate, pursue justice.
  • Act with unilateral virtue – Live by your code even if others do not. This will make you feel good, lead others to respect you, and create the best chance that the person who wronged you will treat you better in the future.
  • Say what needs to be said – There is a good formula from the field of “nonviolent communication”: “When X happens (stated objectively; not “when you are a jerk”), I feel Y (emotions; not “I fell you are an idiot”), because I need Z (deep needs like: “to be safe, respected, emotionally close to others, autonomous and not bossed around”).

Then, if it would be useful, you can make a request for the future. Some examples: “If I bother you, could you talk with me directly?” “Could you not swear at me?” “Could you treat your agreements with me and your children as seriously as you do those at work?”

  • Move on – For your own sake, start releasing your angry or hurt thoughts and feelings. Stop your mind from obsessing about the past, and focus on the present and future. Turn toward what is going well, what you’re grateful for. Do things that feel pleasurable.

In the garden of your life, you have to pull some weeds, sure, but mainly focus on planting flowers.

  • Be at peace – All you can really do is what you can do. Others are going to do whatever they do, and realistically, sometimes it won’t be that great. Many people disappoint: they’ve got a million things swirling around in their head, life’s been tough, there were issues in their childhood, their ethics are fuzzy, their thinking is clouded, etc. It’s the real world, and cannot be perfected.

You have to find peace in your heart, not out there in the world. A peace that comes from seeing clearly, from building up and focusing on good things in your own garden, and from letting go.

 


Get Off The Raging River

October 4th, 2016 / No Comments »

Whitewater   triple step on the river Guil in French Alps e1475600425813 Get Off The Raging River

Interpersonal anger can seem a lot like a wild, whitewater river, rushing us along swiftly until we crash into the rocks. It feels like one step leads inevitably to another, without options or choice. If you’ve had that experience with rage, you might want to slow your actions down and see that there are actually a number of options in your conflicts with others. There are almost always several opportunities to paddle into calmer water and circumvent harmful anger.

Anger with our loved ones usually begins with frustration or painFear of consequences follows – “I can’t put up with this or I’ll lose everything and my life will be ruined.” Next, especially when you’re mad at someone else, there appears an assumption that the other person is trying to upset you or to take advantage of you – they are doing it on purpose. So, they must be a bad person who won’t fight fair, and you feel like you had better defend yourself. In fact, you might need to get back at them for making you feel this way.

When you break it down in this way, you can see that there are a number of places where your conclusions might be faulty. You could steer your thoughts and feelings in a very different direction by considering alternative explanations.

Here are some examples:

For your pain, “I don’t need to make such a big deal out of it – I’ll feel better soon. Sometimes people lash out and say things they don’t really mean”

For fear tell yourself: “I’m getting too upset. I can find a solution after I’ve calmed down. I don’t want to pressure me or my loved one into doing something hasty and stupid.”

When it seems to be on purpose, “Maybe we see things differently. We can talk this out.”

When someone you usually care about seems to be a bad person, say, “Everyone makes mistakes. I can still value our relationship.”

When you feel hurt by someone and feel like hurting them to get back at them, say “I’m OK and in control. Let’s solve our problems rather than blame each other.”

With intense interpersonal anger, it is crucial that you and your partner learn to let each other take a time out instead of letting anger poison your feelings for each other. Try saying this: “I’m getting too angry. I need to take a break and calm down. You can think what you want. Our relationship is really important to me. I promise I’ll come back and talk about this when I’m calmer.”

Once you slow down, find a calmer place in the river and paddle in place for a while.  You’ll usually see there are actually several ways to understand what happened. When you react differently, you are likely to find a stronger, more reasonable solution to your conflict, and you may even find that you get a really different reaction from the person you are in conflict with than your initial anger suggested you would get.


45 Ideas to Help Soothe, Inspire & Ponder

July 26th, 2016 / No Comments »

sunset 1359982 960 720 45 Ideas to Help Soothe, Inspire & Ponder

I turned 45 this year.  In honor of this big birthday, here are 45 ideas, thoughts, musings that I’ve gained over the years. In my lifelong quest for learning, I am always on the lookout for data that will help make me a better person, or (hopefully) contribute to making the world a better place. I let some friends and family know I was doing this, and some of their comments and ideas are scattered throughout the list. Enjoy!

1. Kindness, to self and others really makes a difference.
2. There’s something magical about the beach, and being in the water.
3. True bravery is having a thoughtful, direct conversation.
4. This aging thing is not that easy.
5. Sometimes chocolate cupcakes and a glass of milk makes a yummy breakfast.
6. If you resist starting to smoke when you’re young, your adult self will thank you.
7. A great philosophy to have is, “Why not ask?” You’d be amazed what people will say yes to if you only ask. (My Dad)
8. When you’re feeling bored with life, mix it up by trying something new.
9. It seems silly, but if you talk to your pets (and very young children), they will understand your tone and general intention even if they don’t understand the words exactly.
10. My favorite formula: Pretty good = Perfect.
11. A cup of hot water and lemon is very soothing, and can help alleviate the late night munchies.
12. Experiences create longer lasting memories than buying a material object.
13. You never know what you are doing for someone just by being there. (My Mom)
14. Meditation, even only 2 minutes a day, can improve your mood and relax your brain.
15. My friend Rachel reminds us: babysitters and housekeepers are little miracles for busy Moms.
16. The three building blocks to mental health are surprisingly physical: sleep, exercise and good nutrition.
17. I got conflicting reports from my friends about whether a glass of nice Scotch or being in recovery are better soothers, my guess is that either one can be awesome, you just need to know which one is best for you!
18. Inclining your mind to the positive is very helpful but takes consistent practice.
19. Denver traffic has become quite a challenge; stress less by leaving more time than you used to need to get to places.
20. My friend Laura and I were talking about raising daughters and she has decided we just need to stop it! Passing along body image issues to our daughters is optional, especially if we just decide we no longer need to have body image issues and love our bodies instead.
21. There is something incredibly restorative about hiking.
22. Cats and horses are my favorite animals; I’m still growing into being a dog person.
23. Selectively choosing to binge watch television can be very therapeutic.
24. Most people are wonderful and interesting, even if they are very different from you. A few people are very unsafe. Listen to your gut to tell who is who.
25. Challenge yourself to be playful as an adult. Your inner child will thank you!
26. I know it’s old school, but I’m convinced that pen and paper is actually quicker, easier and less stressful than using electronic devices.
27. The best romantic relationships balance fit, attraction and timing.
28. Take a risk, try swimming in the rain when you get a chance. It’s wonderful!
29. It is really fun being the woman lifting heavy in the weight room.
30. My friend Heather teaches: Don’t ask, “Why me?” Instead, ask “Why not me” and learn from everything you go through.
31. Complaining is contagious. So is smiling. Please, smile more!
32. When you’re clear about your values, life choices are easier to navigate.
33. Trying your hardest means more in the long run than getting an “A.”
34. We humans work best with a combination of push and rest, not push, push, push and collapse.
35. Say yes to whipped cream on your hot chocolate.
36. 7 hours of sleep is the minimum recommended amount.
37. Shorter commutes make life better.
38. Caring less about what other people think is powerful.
39. Taking the “high road” in a conflict may initially feel hard and lonely, but almost always pays off.
40. At the core of most human conflict is the issue of “Why aren’t you me?”
41. Looking to the root of an issue is often where the cure is found. (My buddy Eric)
42. A child’s contagious laughter is an instant mood brightener. (My Friend Kristin)
43. Humans (just like most mammals) respond best to warm, clear boundaries, and rewards.
44. Strong is totally more satisfying than skinny.
45. When it rains, open up the windows and doors and enjoy the smell and sound of the weather.