Why Everyone Should Lift Weights

October 17th, 2017 / No Comments »


Depositphotos 20872969 original 300x200 Why Everyone Should Lift Weights

(Reposted from James Clear)

I’ll say it plain and simple: you should be lifting weights. But not necessarily for the reasons that you might think.

For example, I don’t believe that strength is the main benefit of weightlifting.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love being strong as much as the next person, but there is more value in weightlifting than simply gaining muscle or losing fat.

When I think back on the time I’ve spent training (around 10 years now), here are the most valuable benefits I’ve discovered…

1. Pushing Yourself Physically Reveals What You’re Made of Mentally

A few weeks ago, I posted an update on Twitter that asked the following question…

Just had a great talk about the value of sports vs. reading in life. Have you learned more from pushing yourself physically or mentally?

Many of you sent in great answers, but I particularly liked this one from Tom

Not sure which — there’s tremendous value in each. Mental teaches you about others, physical teaches you about yourself.

Tom explained what I hadn’t quite been able to put my finger on: there is an incredible amount to be learned from both reading and playing sports, but you’ll learn more about yourself when you push yourself physically.

My experiences have mirrored this. While I’ve learned a great deal about myself from mental pursuits like writing and photography, I’ve discovered far more about my mental strength and my ability to overcome failure by playing baseball for 17 years, competing in olympic weightlifting, and battling to achieve certain strength goals.

Challenging your own body is the greatest method for discovering the strength of your mind. Nowhere is this more true than with strength training. There will be days when you don’t feel like coming into the gym. There will be sets that you don’t feel like finishing. There will be times when everyone else in the gym will see you fail.

And if you keep showing up anyway, then you’ll develop the mental fortitude to get past failure, work when you don’t feel like it, and discover what you’re really made of mentally and physically.

2. Weightlifting Solidifies Your Sense of Self–Worth

Here’s one thing I’ve learned from a year at the gym … it doesn’t matter how much weight I can or can’t pull, I can grow, build up strength, whatever’s necessary. I’m not defective.

There’s confidence that comes with that — wisdom enough to know when it’s too much weight, confidence enough to know what I can do.

Today’s fluctuating sense of worth, whether man or woman, is dangerous stuff. Confidence changes the kinds of thoughts you have.

— Chase Reeves

There is nothing more personal than your own body. Having confidence that you can move yourself through physical space with control and competence is a deeply satisfying feeling that filters into every other area of life. If you set a new personal record in the gym this morning, you can be sure that you’ll be feeling more confident at work this afternoon.

But weightlifting goes deeper than that. Weight training gives you something to stand on, something to define yourself by. It clarifies who you are in your own mind.

“I can lift X pounds. I can do X sets. This is what I’m capable of. This is who I am.”

With weightlifting, there’s no lying to yourself about what you can and can’t do. The weight forces you to be honest and self–aware.

Strangely, even if you’re weaker than you thought you were, there is a satisfaction that comes from knowing where you stand. Most days, life seems to be lived in the gray areas. It’s hard to know if you’re making progress as a parent, a friend, an employee, or a person. Weightlifting is more black and white. It helps you get past that fuzziness and closer to understanding yourself.

Combine this type of clarity with gradual improvement and your sense of self–worth will skyrocket. You know who you are and you are proving that you can become better than you were before.

“I lifted 10 pounds more today than I did last week. I can become better. This is proof.”

What could possibly be more confidence–building than direct, undeniable proof that you are becoming a better human?

Sometimes, this concrete proof of your improvement can do more for your confidence than all the positive thoughts in the world.

3. Strength Gives You More Opportunities to Contribute to Life

After spending more than 10 years analyzing the top regrets of dying patients, nurse Bronnie Ware said, “Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.”

I believe that this freedom — this enhanced ability to explore, create, connect, and contribute to the world around you — is one of the greatest benefits of weight training.

What I have gained from weightlifting — the resistance to illness and injury, the confidence in my abilities and the awareness of my limitations — has positioned me to make a bigger impact and contribute more value than I could have before training. In my case, that means writing about health and wellness, volunteering for the Red Cross, and taking photos around the world.

This is one of the biggest benefits of weight training: it enables you to transform into a better version of yourself (more confident, more self–aware, more mentally and physically strong), so that you can become a better person for the people around you.

This is why I believe so strongly in our community here. We have a small and committed group of superhumans who care not only about developing strong bodies and minds, but also about contributing to the world.

Our community is filled with people who are challenging themselves to become better physically and who are excited about helping the people around them at the same time. Imagine if you spent your entire day surrounded by people like that? What would your world look like?

Get the Benefits of Weight Training

If you’re already a weightlifter, keep at it. If you’re not, get started.

You are on this planet to do amazing things, and I honestly believe that lifting weights can help you do those things better.

Happy and healthy people have a better chance to live with confidence and contribute value to the world than anyone else. Don’t take that for granted.

Realistic Life Balance

October 9th, 2017 / No Comments »


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The other day, a client asked me to explain, “how do you get to it all?” She wanted a concrete explanation of how to actually field the various roles and responsibilities life throws our way, while also maintaining some semblance of health, without a sense of constant overwhelm. She was talking about how to manage the myriad responsibilities that come with being a middle aged adult…parenting, helping our aging parents, attending to friends and partners, working, and, OH! – squeezing in some self-care. It’s a lot.

There are many suggestions about how to set up a system of balance, but I think it is less about the particular WAY you try to balance things and more about HOW you think about the whole concept. Thus, whatever system works for you is fine, but I believe there is an underlying philosophy that can help make whatever system you choose work the best.

The Philosophy: Balance appears to be achieved by addressing both what you want and what you are actually able to do. Essentially, this is a compromise between what you desire and what reality will let you achieve in the current timeframe you are working with.

This philosophy can be broken down into 5 steps.  Once you’ve identified the steps for yourself, I suggest they need to be revisited regularly, sometimes on a daily basis, sometimes on a weekly or monthly basis. For the few lucky folks who have very, very predictable schedules, you may only need to do a review of these 5 steps every quarter or so. I’ll identify the 5 steps and then show you how I am actually implementing them in my life these days.

Step 1: Identify your top 3-5 values that drive you in the world. Values can range from kindness to competence, taking care of animals to putting yourself first. If you do a google search on “lists of values” you’ll get lots of options to choose from. Pick your top 3-5. Don’t worry; you can always rearrange or change them. Just start with the top 3-5 that are inspiring you most right now.

My current top 3 values are: joy, connection and health. I have chosen these 3 because they most neatly sum up what I am striving for in my life.  I enjoy feeling joyful and love to help others feel more joy in their lives. I am fueled by connection and feel like my best self when I am well connected to my partner, my family and my friends. Health for me encompasses mental and physical wellbeing. My life’s work is to improve the mental health of my clients, and I need to attend to my own mental and physical health to be the best that I can be, both personally and professionally.

Step 2: Identify the behavioral action steps that go with these values. If you value learning, for example, maybe you will be taking a class. If you value honesty, you will probably be the kind of person who tries to be direct and truthful. For me, I am making sure that I am doing the type of activities that make me feel joyful (hiking, cooking, learning new things, reading, being playful). I am connecting regularly with friends, and even challenging myself to make eye contact and connect with strangers when appropriate, for example, greeting my bank teller by name, I’ll let someone in line in front of me at the grocery store who only has one item. Even brief connections can count!  For health, I make sure to get enough sleep, workout at least 4 days a week, track my nutrition and meditate at night.

Step 3: Take a look at reality. Make sure that you are being realistic about your current reality. For example, how much money do you make? The reality of your income gives you a check on how much you should be spending. How much time can you realistically spend on things like working out? For example, I have several friends who are bike racers. It is a cool sport, but not for me because it requires much, much more time than I have to train. Therefore, I will ride my bike for fun, but for working out I train at the gym for an hour.

What other realities do you have? New baby? Reality is that you’re not sleeping as much as when you were single and childless. Two working parents? Reality means you and your partner will likely have to plan date nights! For me at the moment, one of my realities is that 3 days a week I am in charge of picking my daughter up at school at 3:30. This means I only see clients after work 2 days a week. Also, I don’t have loads of free time, so my nightly meditation practice (which sounds really good) is actually only about 2-5 minutes of time. Reality constrains what we are able to actually do. Some chafe at the constraint, but life becomes much easier if you acknowledge and work with your current reality.

Step 4: Put the puzzle pieces together, week by week, month by month, or however it works best for you in your current life situation. Don’t like how the pieces are fitting? Well, then you need to either change your values, shift your reality or accept this a phase in your life. For example, using the new baby scenario above, almost no one likes to get less sleep, but remembering that this is a short term phase of life tends to make it feel more bearable. Another suggestion is to combine values and actions that can complement each other. For example, almost every Friday I either go out to lunch or go for a hike with a friend or colleague. This hits all 3 of my top values but works around my limited amount of time available, and combines activities in a way that is both enjoyable and time efficient. By working with your values AND your reality, you can determine what actions you can take in any given time frame (day, week, month). Some week’s you may place one value above another, or need to shift your week’s plan due to unexpected realities (company in town, illness, other external obligations). Work with your daily, weekly or monthly schedule to make your actions as congruent with your values as you can, while dealing with the constraints of reality.

Step 5: When you are stuck, it is important to determine what value and accompanying behavior you are willing to give up. Sometimes It is a hard trade off. For example, many Wednesdays and Thursdays I eat a lousy lunch because it is more important to me at this time in my life to pick my child up from school at 3:30 than to take a decent lunch break and work later. Now is this something I recommend to many people? No! Eating a protein bar for lunch is not the best health choice. However, reality dictates that I have a really short work day on these days, so I am willing to compromise one of my values (health) in the short term for a longer term benefit (connection with my child). Here, my connection value outweighs my health value. Work with yourself and your situation to identify short cuts that might work for you.

In cases where you are regularly compromising one of your top values, it is important to ask yourself if that is really a top value, or if it is just one that you WISH was a top value. If you believe it is actually a top value, then it is time to adjust your schedule, priorities and actions to get closer to honoring that value.

Enjoy working the steps and matching your schedule to your values. Understand that this is a fluid process that will change over time, requiring a new assessment of top values, behaviors and how they fit into reality. Let me know how this goes for you, or if you’d like me to help you identify your values and look at your schedule to see where we can honor more of what you’d really like to see in your life.

Lower The Pressure

September 11th, 2017 / No Comments »

hurry 2119711 1280 300x199 Lower The Pressure

(Reposted from Rick Hanson, Ph.d.)

Is it truly urgent?

The Practice:
Lower the pressure.


Things come at us with so much urgency and demand these days. Phones ring, texts buzz, emails pile up, new balls have to be juggled, work days lengthen and move into evenings and weekends, traffic gets denser, financial demands feel like a knife at the neck, ads and news clamor for attention, push push push PUSH.

On top of these external pressures, we deal with internal ones as well. These include all the inner “shoulds,” “musts,” and “have-tos,” like: “I gotta get this done today or my boss’ll get mad.” Or: “I must not look bad.” Or: “I can’t leave the house with dishes in the sink.” A pushy sub-personality prods us to be better, do better, and have more. Harsh, often unfair self-criticism cracks the whip to keep us going and avoid its lash. Also, we form rigid ideas – often unconscious – of what we just have to have to be successful, look good, own the right car, etc. We develop similar kinds of insistence about how it needs to be for others or the world (e.g., how one’s children must do in school, how the country has to be run).

Whether the pressure comes from outside or inside us, it activates ancient motivational circuits that use the neurotransmitter, dopamine. In a nutshell, dopamine tracks expected results (e.g., emails finished, sales goals attained). If the result actually occurs, dopamine rises, which helps us feel relieved while other neurotransmitter systems such as natural opioids give us a sense of pleasure. But here’s the catch: on the way to that desired result, dopamine levels sink some, which brings an unpleasant sense of stress, unease, pushing, and pressure . . . and if we meet delays or roadblocks or flat-out failure, then dopamine plummets, which feels like disappointment, frustration, even despair. To avoid the pain of dopamine dropping, we drive hard toward our goals, caught up in wanting and desire.

This dopamine system – and related but more evolutionarily recent and sophisticated emotions and thoughts layered upon it – was very effective in keeping our ancestors alive in the wild. And it works well today to keep us motivated during emergencies or necessary marathons of effort, from finals week in college to long runs of advocacy on behalf of a loved one.

But even at best, there is an inherent collateral damage in being motivated by need, urgency, and pressure. It narrows focus to a particular goal in the cross-hairs of tunnel vision. It feels tense, contracted, and uncomfortable – and usually triggers the stress-response system, whose chronic activation has many negative consequences for long-tem health and well-being. Many goals are just not reachable – so we feel bad if we are fixed on attaining them – and even if we do get the desired result, its gratifications are often less than promised, and in any case they fade eventually from awareness like sand slipping through the fingers of consciousness.

And at worst, inner and outer pressures drive us to pursue goals and desires that are bad for us and others. There we are: trying to live up to unrealistic standards, comparing ourselves to others, feeling like we’re falling short, putting the work-life balance on tilt, looking for love in all the wrong places, being hard on oneself or others, pushing to the edge of capacity, and sooner or later running on empty.

Whew. Enough already. Time to ease off the pressure!


(There are lots of ways below to take the pressure off. Just find one or two that you like – there’s no pressure in dropping the pressure!)

Remind yourself that you can act in competent, honorable, and successful ways even when there is no sense of pressure. You can give yourself over to wholesome aspirations, letting them carry you along with resolve and passion, staying true to your own North Star without straining and stressing along the way. You can be prudent, love others, rise in your chosen work, and nurture our planet without feeling like there’s a stick at your back.

When things come at you – phone calls, wants from others, a fevered pace – try to get a sense of a buffer between you and them, a kind of shock absorber, like you are seeing them through the wrong end of a telescope. Slow things down a beat, a breath, a day. Offer yourself the gift of time – time to figure out if this is really a priority, and when it really needs to get done.

Listen to your body. Are you getting that pressed/squeezed/driven feeling again? Listen to your heart, like it’s a wise sweet being who loves you: what’s it saying?

Be aware of the “shoulds” and “musts” muttering – or shouting – in your mind. Are they really true? And are they really you rather than an internalized parent or other authority figure. What would happen if you dialed back one bit, slowed down by one step, or got one less thing done each day? Let it sink in that there’d be no disaster at all. In fact, probably no one but you would ever notice!

Be easier on yourself. Lower your standards a smidge – unless you’re doing brain surgery or something similar, you can likely afford to lighten up a little.

Be realistic about how long things really take, and how often there’s a slip ‘twixt cup and lip in the affairs of mice and men. Try not to make commitments that will be hard to fulfill; don’t write checks with your mouth that your body can’t cash.

Remember that you are a fundamentally good person. Even if you lower the pressure and a few things get done more slowly or not at all, you are still a good person.

Keep coming back to this moment – in which things are probably usually basically all right. Not perfect, but consider the Third Zen Patriarch’s teaching that enlightenment means (among other things) no anxiety about imperfection. In this moment, you are likely safe enough, fed enough, and loved enough.

You can lower the pressure.

Mental Models: How to Train Your Brain to Think in New Ways

August 23rd, 2017 / No Comments »

the strategy 1080527 1280 300x199 Mental Models: How to Train Your Brain to Think in New Ways

(Reposted from James Clear.)

You can train your brain to think better. One of the best ways to do this is to expand the set of mental models you use to think. Let me explain what I mean by sharing a story about a world-class thinker.

I first discovered what a mental model was and how useful the right one could be while I was reading a story about Richard Feynman, the famous physicist. Feynman received his undergraduate degree from MIT and his Ph.D. from Princeton. During that time, he developed a reputation for waltzing into the math department and solving problems that the brilliant Ph.D. students couldn’t solve.

When people asked how he did it, Feynman claimed that his secret weapon was not his intelligence, but rather a strategy he learned in high school. According to Feynman, his high school physics teacher asked him to stay after class one day and gave him a challenge.

“Feynman,” the teacher said, “you talk too much and you make too much noise. I know why. You’re bored. So I’m going to give you a book. You go up there in the back, in the corner, and study this book, and when you know everything that’s in this book, you can talk again.” 

So each day, Feynman would hide in the back of the classroom and study the book—Advanced Calculus by Woods—while the rest of the class continued with their regular lessons. And it was while studying this old calculus textbook that Feynman began to develop his own set of mental models.

“That book showed how to differentiate parameters under the integral sign,” Feynman wrote. “It turns out that’s not taught very much in the universities; they don’t emphasize it. But I caught on how to use that method, and I used that one damn tool again and again. So because I was self-taught using that book, I had peculiar methods of doing integrals.”

“The result was, when the guys at MIT or Princeton had trouble doing a certain integral, it was because they couldn’t do it with the standard methods they had learned in school. If it was a contour integration, they would have found it; if it was a simple series expansion, they would have found it. Then I come along and try differentiating under the integral sign, and often it worked. So I got a great reputation for doing integrals, only because my box of tools was different from everybody else’s, and they had tried all their tools on it before giving the problem to me.”

Every Ph.D. student at Princeton and MIT is brilliant. What separated Feynman from his peers wasn’t necessarily raw intelligence. It was the way he saw the problem. He had a broader set of mental models.

What is a Mental Model?

A mental model is an explanation of how something works. It is a concept, framework, or worldview that you carry around in your mind.

For example, supply and demand is a mental model that helps you understand how the economy works. Game theory is a mental model that helps you understand how relationships and trust work. Entropy is a mental model that helps you understand how disorder and decay work.

Mental models guide your perception and behavior. They are the thinking tools that you use to understand life, make decisions, and solve problems. Learning a new mental model gives you a new way to see the world—like Richard Feynman learning a new math technique.

Mental models are imperfect, but useful. There is no single mental model from physics or engineering, for example, that provides a flawless explanation of the entire universe, but the best mental models from those disciplines have allowed us to build bridges and roads, develop new technologies, and even travel to outer space. As historian Yuval Noah Harari puts it, “Scientists generally agree that no theory is 100 percent correct. Thus, the real test of knowledge is not truth, but utility.”

The best mental models are the ideas with the most utility. They are broadly useful in daily life. Understanding these concepts will help you make wiser choices and take better actions. This is why developing a broad base of mental models is critical for anyone interested in thinking clearly, rationally, and effectively.

The Secret to Great Thinking

Expanding your set of mental models is something experts need to work on just as much as novices. We all have our favorite mental models, the ones we naturally default to as an explanation for how or why something happened. As you grow older and develop expertise in a certain area, you tend to favor the mental models that are most familiar to you.

Here’s the problem: when a certain worldview dominates your thinking, you’ll try to explain every problem you face through that worldview. This pitfall is particularly easy to slip into when you’re smart or talented in a given area.

The more you master a single mental model, the more likely it becomes that this mental model will be your downfall because you’ll start applying it indiscriminately to every problem. What looks like expertise is often a limitation. As the common proverb says, “If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.”

Consider this example from biologist Robert Sapolsky. He asks, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Then, he provides answers from different experts.

  • If you ask an evolutionary biologist, they might say, “The chicken crossed the road because they saw a potential mate on the other side.”
  • If you ask a kinesiologist, they might say, “The chicken crossed the road because the muscles in the leg contracted and pulled the leg bone forward during each step.”
  • If you ask a neuroscientist, they might say, “The chicken crossed the road because the neurons in the chicken’s brain fired and triggered the movement.”

Technically speaking, none of these experts are wrong. But nobody is seeing the entire picture either. Each individual mental model is just one view of reality. The challenges and situations we face in life cannot be entirely explained by one field or industry.

All perspectives hold some truth. None of them contain the complete truth.

Relying on a narrow set of thinking tools is like wearing a mental straight jacket. Your cognitive range of motion is limited. When your set of mental models is limited, so is your potential for finding a solution. In order to unleash your full potential, you have to collect a range of mental models. You have to build out your toolbox. Thus, the secret to great thinking is to learn and employ a variety of mental models.

Expanding Your Set of Mental Models

The process of accumulating mental models is somewhat like improving your vision. Each eye can see something on its own. But if you cover one of them, you lose part of the scene. It’s impossible to see the full picture when you’re only looking through one eye.

Similarly, mental models provide an internal picture of how the world works. We should continuously upgrade and improve the quality of this picture. This means reading widely from good books, studying the fundamentals of seemingly unrelated fields, and learning from people with wildly different life experiences. 

The mind’s eye needs a variety of mental models to piece together a complete picture of how the world works. The more sources you have to draw upon, the clearer your thinking becomes. As the philosopher Alain de Botton notes, “The chief enemy of good decisions is a lack of sufficient perspectives on a problem.”

The Pursuit of Liquid Knowledge

In school, we tend to separate knowledge into different silos—biology, economics, history, physics, philosophy. In the real world, information is rarely divided into neatly defined categories. In the words of Charlie Munger, “All the wisdom of the world is not to be found in one little academic department.” 

World-class thinkers are often silo-free thinkers. They avoid looking at life through the lens of one subject. Instead, they develop “liquid knowledge” that flows easily from one topic to the next.

This is why it is important to not only learn new mental models, but to consider how they connect with one another. Creativity and innovation often arise at the intersection of ideas. By spotting the links between various mental models, you can identify solutions that most people overlook.

Tools for Thinking Better

Here’s the good news:

You don’t need to master every detail of every subject to become a world-class thinker. Of all the mental models humankind has generated throughout history, there are just a few dozen that you need to learn to have a firm grasp of how the world works.

Many of the most important mental models are the big ideas from disciplines like biology, chemistry, physics, economics, mathematics, psychology, philosophy. Each field has a few mental models that form the backbone of the topic. For example, some of the pillar mental models from economics include ideas like Incentives, Scarcity, and Economies of Scale.

If you can master the fundamentals of each discipline, then you can develop a remarkably accurate and useful picture of life. To quote Charlie Munger again, “80 or 90 important models will carry about 90 percent of the freight in making you a worldly-wise person. And, of those, only a mere handful really carry very heavy freight.”

I’ve made it a personal mission to uncover the big models that carry the heavy freight in life. After researching more than 1,000 different mental models, I gradually narrowed it down to a few dozen that matter most. I’ve written about some of them previously, like entropy and inversion, and I’ll be covering more of them in the future. If you’re interested, you can browse my slowly expanding list of mental models.

My hope is to create a list of the most important mental models from a wide range of disciplines and explain them in a way that is not only easy to understand, but also meaningful and practical to the daily life of the average person. With any luck, we can all learn how to think just a little bit better.


The Emotional Cost of Change in Relationships

July 28th, 2017 / No Comments »

engagement 1718244 1280 300x199 The Emotional Cost of Change in Relationships
Making changes around in your life?  I bet you have calculated the cost of these changes, and probably even figured out who will oversee the change.  Maybe you even figured out a time estimate of how much of your schedule will be devoted to implementing the change.  However, what I am betting is that what you have overlooked is the emotional cost of the change.

Humans, as a species, tend to like homeostasis.  We are actually physically and mentally designed to maintain internal balance and equilibrium.  Translation?  We like stuff to be familiar and not too far off from our usual operating style.  Things that are different from our expected equilibrium tend to throw us off.  Change, by definition, involves difference.

We tend to account for the “cost” of change when we are doing something like implementing a new record keeping system at our office.  Implementing a new record system typically means training, practice on the new system before it launches and then support from the vendor on making the change.  The overlooked item, however, is the emotional impact on the staff.  The new system means change, and change means difference, which inherently means balance is off for your staff.  This is why even the slickest, nicest new systems get complaints and resistance to use.  Accounting for the emotional imbalance of the new system means giving staff some room to miss the old system while embracing the new one.

One of the most glaring places we forget to account for the emotional cost or savings of something is in our relationships.  Making new friends, dating new people (yikes!), going home for summer vacation to see our family, or in some cases, the importance of letting go of a toxic person in our life.  Fantastic relationships make all the difference in our lives.  Healthy connections generally mean feeling happy!  However, navigating new, different or even old relationships (hello, high school reunion!)  can bring up a wide variety of emotions.

When you are making relationship changes, it is especially important to take your emotional “temperature.”  How do your relationships make you feel?  Warm and fuzzy and loved?  Or threatened and anxious that you’re not good enough.  Do you find yourself reverting to your rebellious teenage self when you go home for a visit?  Do you suddenly feel terrible about yourself when you’re trying to get ready for a new date?  (Hint: you’re nervous, you look fine!). Or is there someone who always behaves badly and you are ready to stop indulging their bad behavior?  Knowing your patterns and letting go of the toxic folks will improve your emotional well-being.  Instead of being an emotional cost, you can reap an emotional savings!

Make sure you are examining the emotional cost or benefit to your relationships.  That way the next time you are interacting with others, you can easily know yourself and your patterns.  You will know what not-so-perfect behaviors in others you will tolerate and what you won’t.  This will make changes like making new friends, or changing the nature of your relationships, cost less.  Change can be necessary and important, even in relationships, but it doesn’t have to be costly in the emotional realm if you are remembering to account for that cost.